I've been doing horribly lately.
school, studies, friends, family, relationships, God.

It's as if i've been carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders for far too long, and it's slowly starting to crash down onto me, breaking my shoulders, my heart, my legs.
Its like i don't know what's real and what's not anymore.
I don't know why i go to school, i dont know why i put up with people's behaviour.
I don't know why i listen to people say they're sad, i don't know why i don't just break off from all the hurt, all the pain, all the sin..
I don't know why I let myself be swayed by the ways of the world, i don't know why i'm not strong enough to do anything.
I don't know why i cry at the smallest thing, I cry when people talk to me and they think i'm so weird..
I don't know why i walk in the rain even though it's so bloody cliche and stupid cos it seems to say 'I WALK IN THE RAIN OH WOW LOOK AT ME I'M BADASS AND SAAAAAD AND EMO.'
I don't know why i don't belong. i don't know why i'm alone. i don't know why i can't hear God. I don't know why i feel this way and no one else around me does. i dont know why im the minority that gets sad so often. I don't know why i have no one i know of that genuinely cares.
all i know now is that.. i don't know anything anymore.

last night's cell lesson was quite good even though all i did was listen. It's good to just listen and let the words wash over my mind and just apply things to my life..
I can't feel God in my life these few days.
I want to love him, trust him, feel him so badly but it seems as if i'm just holding on because i'm expected to, i'm supposed to.

They say he's the only one that really understands what i go through. he really knows how i feel.
he sees each tear that falls, and he hears me when i call.
that's the line that keeps me hanging on. it's so powerful, it makes me cry. I know he's there, so why can't i feel him?
i really, really want him to be my best friend, but i talk and talk and talk and i listen as hard as i can but i don't hear anything..

I really need someone to talk to about all of this, but i really don't want to trouble any of you to listen, it's such a bother to listen.
or maybe it's hard for me to open up to you if you don't open up to me first.

well last night lawrence said something along the lines of 'the harder you squeeze the olive, the better and purer the oil that comes out.'
i feel like i'm being beaten up on a daily basis, i can't stop letting the tears flow, i can't stop, i can't.
and there sure as hell ain't nothing good coming out of this 'squeezing.'
and i know after it all, i'll just have a few more scars, a little less love, and (hopefully) a little less emotion, feeling.

i hate it when i start pitying myself.
ARGH. everything burns.
(1:34 AM)