Lover, I am loveless.

SHIFTED.

2008-05-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

I've got my veins tangled

2008-04-28T04:13:00.000-07:00

emergent, canopy, understorey, shrub layer, undergrowth

cute kids, future lovers?

bro: "OH MY GOD IT'S A CROCODILE!!CARA HURRY TAKE PEECTURE!!!TAKE!!"
dad: "chill, it's just a monitor lizard going for an afternoon swim ^.^"
fish eggs

"i don't care what they say, i'm in love wi-you!"

Its such a bother to post pictures onto blogger it takes me 8 mins to load one batch of 5 pictures. been considering xanga, is it better/faster?

studied with Claire, Tiff, Kau and Megan today. Did stupid videos like dancing to.. low? playing with the treadmill while using the moving conveyer belt thingy to look like superheroes. ( we were studying in claire's condo's gym, it was the only place with aircon ) and i realised I do have good friends after all, even if the whole class isn't very close per se, we'll get through all that and we'll work it out, as a class! :D

Well apparently someone in my class doesn't like me but I guess i shouldn't act on it or treat the person differently. I don't need your friendship if you don't want mine, at least i have friends who like me for who i am and not who i try to be.. I hope we settle this soon because I don't want us to secretly not like each other but act friendly on the surface.

People are so annoying.
man i'm annoying.

I've been praying much more these few days, and God has been putting my sadness on hold for now cos it's exam period, which is really..good?

you say you miss me no i miss you

love please, more temporary highs

I love

maybe i do maybe i don't yeah i do, nah just

kidding

around with the things we do

you say you think of me

but this distance is upsetting cos I can't read

your mind as well as i

could

just end this tomorrow but i know I

won't

make sense of this sentence or the hidden

meanings behind your

actions

speak louder yet yours whisper secret meanings i can't read

you trail my thoughts but when i push them away they

come back with a

vengeance

is what i think of though i can never break you

as you did to

my heart

keeps telling me you'll never change

the way you look at me

reminds me of what i can never hold on to

for more than a month

I don't hear from you for days

then you call me up like everything's

okay

but it's not okay cos we're too far

gone

are the days that I find myself staring

now

we're too far gone

we're too far gone oh

lover, I am loveless.

we built these walls, so baby lay on the bricks cos i'm not gonna stop now.

I shall have ramen for dinner, then maybe i'll watch some trash tv (E! channel, Mtv) to keep my mind off things.

I miss my school mates already...

determined

2008-04-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

For a change, I will not post a depressing post..

I'm determined to not let things get to me so easily now. I won't be weak, I won't always make the first move. I'll be strong, I'll have good willpower, I'll control myself. I will keep in words that i want to say. I will look and you with an empty mind; I will not think when you're around, I will trust that God put me through all this for a reason and I will know that reason soon enough. I will study hard and do relatively well for mid years and then after that i can worry about problems without studies getting in the way. I will be strong!!!!!!!11

ok. 'hands down' by dashboard confessional is hands down the best song ever, (for now)

My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.

whoa it makes me cry ok.
sometimes you just really want a guy to be there, to love you unconditionally (more than you do), to just be able to sit next to and just, say nothing and it's okay and not awkward cos you can read each other's minds. But we all know those guys don't exist..

So i'll get my security from God. :D and not from people.
Thanks for keeping me strong God. thank you for making me stronger than i was last year. Thank you for the stress relieving endorphins in my tears that flow every now and then in school. Thank you for the people i confide in and the people who truly care, even though you may be tired of listening to my griping and moaning and reasons why i'm sad. Thank you for being in my life God, thank you for listening to my prayers though i may not always listen to you.
I love you Lord, and you are my security.

Another day
All alone again
Someone please love me
Another game
Another broken heart
Why do I do this to myself?
I can look and try to find someone
Won't leave me lonely

Then I found
Didn't need to search
'Cause You were the one

I need You so close to me
because You're the only One who makes my life complete
Oh Lord I know it took so long to see
That You are my security
You won't go away from me
And now I
Know that I will never have to run away
'Cause my heart feels so very free
You're my security

Another day
Here I go again
Drive myself insane
Stop to think, how could I forget
You're with me every single day

studied with Megan and Tiffany yesterday, well 'studied.' got kinda high with 'bleeding love', don't know when Megan will post the pictures/videos but i hope she does soon.
I find it hard when people can post a blow-by-blow account of their day, when i think back, I just can't remember anything but my thoughts at that time.

okay the bell is gonna ring soon, back to class, sigh.
SIAN.

f word

2008-04-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

relationships.
Insecurity.
Instability.
questions.
the unsaid.
willpower.
control of emotions.
heartache.
trying to hard to be strong, be strong, be strong
it gets harder every day.

Rain, rain,rain

2008-04-15T02:59:00.000-07:00

Forget whatever you heard about walking in the rain
the emoness the tears the dark skies the thunder
walking in the rain is wonderful
Tried to cry in the rain to make a picteresque moment
(maybe hoping someone would pop up and take my picture)
started crying
stopped.
How often is it you walk in the rain
taste the dirty yet clean water
look around the vast open space and know that there's no one there
How often is it that you know you're being different
knowing not many people do this cos they're afraid of what people will think of them.

What for waste that moment on being sad
So i sang
made up a little song as i went along
singing the strangest tunes ever
(no matter how we try it's like we can't begin to create tunes like the ones in those mainstream pop)
but it didnt matter
felt the rain wetting through where my ponytail started my shoes my socks my lips
thought about how silly i must look
kicking into puddles and singing songs about Rain.
thought about the people that hurt me time and time again
and how strong i will be
I will be strong, i will be strong

thought about how much we try to conform
how hard we try to look cool
or perhaps different by means of conforming
being different in a cool way
(ironic)
find a reason to say life sucks
trying so hard
acting happy
saying words we don't mean
we're not very cool
we're not.

Life is still terrible, but i've found my comfort, for now..

i dont know, don't ask me

2008-04-12T01:34:00.000-07:00

I've been doing horribly lately.
school, studies, friends, family, relationships, God.

It's as if i've been carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders for far too long, and it's slowly starting to crash down onto me, breaking my shoulders, my heart, my legs.
Its like i don't know what's real and what's not anymore.
I don't know why i go to school, i dont know why i put up with people's behaviour.
I don't know why i listen to people say they're sad, i don't know why i don't just break off from all the hurt, all the pain, all the sin..
I don't know why I let myself be swayed by the ways of the world, i don't know why i'm not strong enough to do anything.
I don't know why i cry at the smallest thing, I cry when people talk to me and they think i'm so weird..
I don't know why i walk in the rain even though it's so bloody cliche and stupid cos it seems to say 'I WALK IN THE RAIN OH WOW LOOK AT ME I'M BADASS AND SAAAAAD AND EMO.'
I don't know why i don't belong. i don't know why i'm alone. i don't know why i can't hear God. I don't know why i feel this way and no one else around me does. i dont know why im the minority that gets sad so often. I don't know why i have no one i know of that genuinely cares.
all i know now is that.. i don't know anything anymore.

last night's cell lesson was quite good even though all i did was listen. It's good to just listen and let the words wash over my mind and just apply things to my life..
I can't feel God in my life these few days.
I want to love him, trust him, feel him so badly but it seems as if i'm just holding on because i'm expected to, i'm supposed to.

They say he's the only one that really understands what i go through. he really knows how i feel.
he sees each tear that falls, and he hears me when i call.
that's the line that keeps me hanging on. it's so powerful, it makes me cry. I know he's there, so why can't i feel him?
i really, really want him to be my best friend, but i talk and talk and talk and i listen as hard as i can but i don't hear anything..

I really need someone to talk to about all of this, but i really don't want to trouble any of you to listen, it's such a bother to listen.
or maybe it's hard for me to open up to you if you don't open up to me first.

well last night lawrence said something along the lines of 'the harder you squeeze the olive, the better and purer the oil that comes out.'
i feel like i'm being beaten up on a daily basis, i can't stop letting the tears flow, i can't stop, i can't.
and there sure as hell ain't nothing good coming out of this 'squeezing.'
and i know after it all, i'll just have a few more scars, a little less love, and (hopefully) a little less emotion, feeling.

i hate it when i start pitying myself.
ARGH. everything burns.

i'll be fine

2008-04-05T01:54:00.000-07:00

So, these few days have been rather eventful.

Went to KAP after sch a few days ago with kau&lots after camwhoring with the class visualiser with jewel&nick. It had started to rain and so we brought umbrellas along. entered KAP and decided not to sit facing the people eating because charlotte and kau agreed that they do not like to stare at people (?) which i didn't really get because i enjoy people watching.

ate fries (mr tay said they're wax coated so that they won't stick together, and when we wat the fries, the wax goes into our capillaries and stays there.) but we ate our healthy food in denial.

On the way back, it started POURING. literally POURING ok. the roads were flooded, the downhill roads were like fast moving rivers (GOT CURRENTS OK.) but we decided, heck let's walk back.

we made it to the KAP bus stop, socks already soaked to the core and our canvas shoes squidging rather uncomfortably. we rested for a while then continued.

Kau screamed like a bimbo that's never touched rainwater before, likely making the people at the bus stop think that all mg girls are bimbos with 3 inch bumps on their head and have never stepped into puddles before. we continued, feeling our sleeves and pinafore getting wetter and wetter, cursing the small umbrellas, listening to the calming sound of raindrops and the not-so-calming sound of kau's screams.

and then: the highlight.

Charlotte fell into a 1m deep pothole.
the pathway was flooded, and we had assumed that that murky portion was just another large puddle. (we couldn't see anything on the ground). charlotte had been walking in front, so.. she stepped into the hole and kau and i watched as she shrieked and sunk into the brown, murky water. Her whole head was actually submerged from the impact of falling. Kau and I looked at each other with the biggeest OMGWTF faces in the world, then tried to help charlotte out of the pothole as she emerged. she tried to find the umbrella (it was sinking into the murky abyss) and got out alive. she had scraped her knee and so we went to michelle's house (thanks michelle!) to dry off and change into PE shirts.

that was the most interesting walking in the rain experience ever.
gotta love the art buddies.

before cell on friday, i met up with kathleen after quite a while. the last time we met, her friend had come along and i had felt rather awkward but yesterday was the best.
its like we had inserted a glowing splint into a mixture or zinc and hydrogen peroxide and we had just relighted our spark.

we talked over lunch, about the people in our lives. it was so good talking to her again, one of the few people that actually understands most of how i think and the person most like me.
we finished our junk food and went shopping. I bought some funky shades, pink shorts and a black top.

we tried on many clothes in Wh, and the lady at the dressing room was the most rude dressing room lady ever! she gave us icy stares everytime we entered, and told us off, 'EXCUSE ME, NOT TAKING OF PICTURES ALLOWED' in the most dull, annoying, scolding tone when i took pictures of us in the clothes in the dressing room. Jeez.
and later when we came out and took more clothes in, she commented to her colleague
'TA MEN LIANG GE AH, JING, CHU, JING, CHU. WALAU EH.'
then i said 'KATHLEEN, DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?' loudly while we were changing and the lady didn't say anything else after that.

SCREW OFF LA YOU TREAT US LIKE THAT AND WE STILL BOUGHT SHORTS OK!
your face has the kind of look that's just aching for a tight slap. GO AWAY!!!
anyway yesterday was awesome, FAWESOME.
we should meet up more often. I really, really miss the ccckrew. you guys kept me alive in the darkest (so far) time of my life and it's terrible how much we've drifted.
WE MUST REKINDLE OUR FLAME!
WE MUST MUST GO OUT!!
read http://theccckrew.blogspot.com and remember those awesome times we had!
i do love you kath, charms, lots.

yesterday, i went to GMAX with julian&Mings.
ok for those that don't know what it is, it's a reverse bungee and it looks like this:

after lining up for 45 mins, it was our turn. we got strapped in and chatted with the safety people, and looked up and watched as the ropes tightening, preparing the swing us into the open at 200km/h. when it was fully tightened, i gulped and then we were released.

my heart caught in my throat and i started screaming for all i was worth. the going up is not the scariest part, its the coming down. our pod flew up, and then overturned so we could see the whole singapore river and clarke quay upside down, and then watched as the ground got closer and closer. Just when we thought we were gonna hit the ground, we bounced back up. and so on, until the ropes lost their momentum and we were slowly lowered to the ground.

40 seconds of adrenaline pumping through your veins, $30, 45 mins wait. It was worth it, more or less.
coming back from school just now, (we had some parent teacher meeting carnival thing.) I went out for lunch with kau, jewel and tiffany, bought nail buffers and then went home. as i got out of the bus, it began to rain and so began my journey of walking in the rain.

thought of the dumb slogan 'I LIKE WALKING IN THE RAIN COS NO ONE KNOWS I'M CRYING', and tried to think of sad thoughts to make myself cry. but it felt so ridiculous i started laughing and singing 'and i'm telling you' by jennifer holiday in the rain. (its one of the hardest black songs on earth and i made a fool of myself in front of a hot angmoh couple on a motorcycle listening to me sing as they waited to U-turn.

whatever, thanks for all the interestingness, it's been helping to distract my head from the sad thoughts that creep in these few days.

no concept

2008-04-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

got this from John's blog!

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I get this question every other day -.- School bus accident, some lady did an illegal U-turn and crashed into my school bus and i screamed but no sound came out and a sharp part of the chair carved the flesh out of my right leg and i saw my bone which is bluish and i dont know if that's normal. yup
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Used to have MCR but my mother forced me to take it off. so now there's glow in the dark paint which my mother accidentally splattered because i was trying to paint my jeans with glow in the dark paint (i was young and ignorant!)
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I talk in my sleep sometimes and i grind my teeth to songs in my head at times!
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
alternative, pop, metal, vintage music from the 90's!
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
3.33 pm God's number :D
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
someone to understand me
7.WHAT DO YOU MISS?
being ignorant and carefree.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
Princey pie
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW.
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
at times i guess
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
yes.
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
some idiot
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL?
i love love- moschino
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
if its natural, blue, green, brown and BLACK. i like black hair, but (if its natural), red, blonde, chestnut
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
in his room/ at a beach resort while i'm drinking a marguerita
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
energy drink, i only like mocha or chocolatey coffee stuff.
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
cheeeeesse. and pepperoni.
18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Mcdonald's fries and popcorn chicken with caesar salad and chicken teriyaki ramen from sakae sushi and red bowl store's fish cake with tons of chilli
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
well i've eaten a golden fish..
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECIEVED?(:
maybe when i was a baby my mom gave me a rattle and i loved it so much that i never let go of it and i took it everywhere with me? who knows.
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
hm yeah
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
i can twist my hand 360 degrees does that count
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
threadless! topshop is not bad too. the rest of my clothes are randomed from various brands.
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Princey pie! Gerard ran away from me D:
27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
doggy and hamster
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
I'd try my best not to cos i'll be shitass hurt when he goes
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
actions speak louder than words
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
52
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
brunettes, but i love love love blonde angmoh babies
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN?
i think it's my parents? i hardly talk on the phone, i sms.
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
fake people whom everyone accepts as one of them and me being the only one that can see them the way they are
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF SINGAPORE?
yup singapore is way too small
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
too many to count. one of them is crying easily
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
pierre from simple plan!
37. FIRST JOB?
some clerk
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
yup it was awesomee
39. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?
yup refer to (1)
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
elan says its my singing
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
have em now, black&purple
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
its over alr. i really want a new zip-up hoodie and a little more love
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
2! one boy one girl. maybe i'll name the girl desiree or eden or skye, haven't decided
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
nah my mom named me cara because it means 'my beloved'
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
I pray to God. besides singapore has no shooting stars
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
my mom makes me use neways but i secretly buy herbal essences
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
sometimes, but most of the time, no.
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
luncheon meat i guess..?
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
many many. i tend to speak my mind too freely sometimes.
53 WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF?
putt-putt goes to the moon
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
not really, just as long as there's chemistry.
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
cry, pray, sing, go into a foetal position under the covers and scream, talk it out with someone.
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
school i guess. but i hate it. church church church
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
i didn't have many toys. but i was a really vain girl who played with barbies and my mom's makeup.
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
quite a few
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID?
nope i didnt like his voice and his eyes
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
nononono........... nooo..
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
mashed potatoessss. mac and cheese if its well made.
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY?
personality. ability to understand people, ability to cheer me up when i'm down, a sense of humour (need not be funny to other people as long as its funny to me) and faithfulness
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
rah
67. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER?
MCR. evanescence, the beatles, bullet for my valentine, AFI, a lot la.
68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
(sometimes) american idol, CSI, E! entertainment (trash tv), some nickelodoen cartoons, (sometimes) Mtv.
69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE?
i think 569753578.
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
chubby hubby, s'mores, new york super fudge chunk
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
well i'm typing so...i guess.
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?
last week. 300 skips, 20 pushups, 20 sit ups and 20 crunches. then i got lazy..
74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR?
all the way to 6 on the speedometer
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
ok.
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
i'm talking to charlotte!
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
water in my purple nalgene bottle (i'm in school.)
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
dad
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX?
their eyes. and their height and their clothes (3 quarter pants are retarded. cos i dont like guy leg hair.)
82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR?
december and june
83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN?
they all suck. i'm like some naked guy with a waterjug.
84. WHICH PERSON DO U LIKE BEST?
i hate people
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
movie? step up 2
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
any day that i'm genuinely happy
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
i'm learning drums and i know a bit of guitar (i suck.)
95. KISSES OR HUGS?
hugs for friends, kisses for...
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
relationships. as john says: one night stands? PAAAHHHH11!!1
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
(gourmet) zhou (porridge)from canteen. added lots of dark sauce and spring onions and yummy stuff.
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE?
parents drive an ODYSSEY!
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
fahrenheit 451 and trying to read the chinese book for school
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:
like shit. the love wrecks my life..

a few thousand words

2008-03-29T02:51:00.000-07:00

suspended ripples.

captured a giant raindrop.

mom's 49th birthday

had a shitty week.
Friday was the slackest day: Lots, Kau and i skipped emath&amath to do our giant charcoal peanus (for art elective.) proceeded to do the most retarded poses in the giant mirror in that creepy toilet on the 4th level and just laugh like asses do..
sang songs with Tiffany and walked around/tanned in the field outside during english lesson.

Got upset about petty things and felt 'alone in my pain'.

had cell and won Ryan and guitar.

i just want to break free from everything that's giving me trouble.

Just wanna be emotionally independent.

been listening to alanis morissette, the beatles, aerosmith and other vintage, iconic music.

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to disect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary

I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker

And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around

Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice

-All I Really Want, Alanis morissette.

even if only for one weekend

2008-03-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

There is just so much I want to say to so many people.
of course, following my better judgement, i choose to keep my mouth shut.
its strange how many things remain unsaid throughout the course of one day.
I observe people's faces and i know they have something to say, but they choose not to. When things are not going their way, the slightest look of annoyance crosses their face before being replaced by a fake smile (they're all the rage) followed by agreement.
or at least that's something i observed today..

its strange how when you talk to someone a lot and tell them many secrets and your thoughts and feelings,you think there's this connection but after a short period of time you seem to drift apart from this friend, even though you very much want to talk to her but you're afraid of what she will think of you, 'why's she suddenly talking to me.' kinda thing.

I've been feeling self conscious lately, perhaps more so than the average teen, which pisses me off. give my mind a mental shake and a short prayer to God to help me stop thinking negatively, but it does not always work.
I hate being jealous.

sometimes its just good to be child-like,
i hate life.

God, give me
your
peace.

all i need is you Lord

2008-03-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

I've so much to say to you
contrary to your thinking, i'm not 'alright'.
want to make me feel better?
I don't think so.
actions speak louder and
words are just aching to bring meaning.
Your actions scream 'I just don't like you very much.'
I get upset, run away
look behind and there's no one
chasing me.
Why don't you tell me what's on your mind?
cos i'll bet it's empty,
like how you make me feel when you tell me
you don't like me any more, any less
and i thought there was more to you then
retardedness and an easy target
looks to me now you don't need saving
cos you're all smiles, carefree, insensitive.
The picturesque of immaturity
so maybe, i'll hold out for another hero.

church camp was awesome, at least to me. it was so great being around my closest friends for 4 consecutive days, seeing them first thing in the morning and right before i sleep, anticipating a new morning of activities and happiness.

talking till 4 am (rachel&abbie!), sneaking away from the prowling adult advisors.
the feeling of power for being second in command, haha.

There were ups and there were downs but if i could go through it one more time, i'd treasure every second of it and say what i really want to say instead of just keeping everything in my head.

some weird leaf with spindly stuff growing out of it

flower ball!

'yummy' food

scenery from my breakfast table

thirsty people

breakfast

grooving out

the cutest vibrator ever

abrah

look who hates peanuts..

looking cool

happy angry happy

role call for small chubby boys

lawrah

the cheerleader

ryrah (that's julian's freakishly big hand.)

we're so exciting

'whose balls are these'

ryan took a picture of his weird eye..

i dont get this picture either

chrissy

no one lays a finger on theryan_93

lawrah2

lets poke corpses

uninspire me

2008-03-07T03:19:00.000-08:00

These few days have been not bad, i guess. Can't help feeling inferior to people sometimes. Does everyone feel that way too?

cross country today, ran/walked with class people. It was quite fun, in a way. much better than 2.4, cos the company is good and we can walk.

after that, went to pepper lunch for lunch and just walked around and talked with a friend. Shopped around for caps, but i couldn't find one that i liked and wasn't poserish at the same time.

yesterday, charlotte, alyssa and i used the class visualiser to camwhore. it was really quite fun.

wednesday, i skipped drama because i had diarrhea. *koff*

Maybe i'm just slipping, falling deeper and deeper into this trap/temptation that the devil set for me and it's really too late to back out now, i'm in too deep.

Hell, you guys don't know what i'm talking bout anyway.

My results for term one sucked. I'm gonna get a shitload of lectures from the 'rents, about how im below average, etc. that will end in me getting a grounding and saying 'okay i will work harder'. pft.

My class is not bad, i guess. it's hard to be myself sometimes though, people only like noisy people and sometimes i just simply, do not feel like talking. Maybe i AM weird.

My dad bought me a DSLR, which is a digital single lens reflex camera. It's kinda heavy, but its really cool. I need models to shoot!

Saw thus dog ambling awkwardly on the road leading to my condo. His last two legs are practically useless and he almost got hit by a car.

forgive me

2008-03-01T00:31:00.000-08:00

To get somewhere, do you have to be fake?
Do you have to push away every other emotion other than 'happiness' and anger, or else people won't be interested to talk to you anymore?
What's the point anyway. Yeah, so you've got a couple of people liking you for who you try to be. Is it worth it?

Words don't come easily, I think and think but it's so difficult to express.

So today, like any typical Saturday, I've been lazing around at home, doing last minute tuition homework, smsing whoever bothers replying, appearing offline on msn most of the time, (just cause i don't feel like talking), reading stories about love and wishing, listening to whatever music fits my mood (alanis morrissette today) and thinking.

We're all trying to find ourselves, and maybe some readily admit that we're broken more than others.
I'd like to be someone who is able to hide emotions inside herself and just talk to God. Someone who doesn't need anyone else, independent, strong, and not care what others think of her.

Finding God, Love, Happiness, or maybe i've been searching in all the wrong places.
maybe some people are not meant to be loved, and it's fine for them.
Expectations, being let down when you expect someone to do something and the person doesn't. And it's so hard to just keep it inside sometimes, but telling the person would make you seem desperate, clingy, helpless, unwanted.
Weak.

We all want to look strong in the end, cos ultimately, confidence and strength is sexy.

How real are we allowed to be for society to welcome us into their superficial, shiny, prosthetic arms?

Does life suck or what.

i dont blame you.

2008-02-24T02:02:00.000-08:00

Pictures paint a thousand words:

She'll see you in hell

take me to paradise we've got the whole (carlsberg sky tower) in our hands
Gerard drinks water, I swoon

stoic wax figures
HOT.
wordless conversations
elan, charlotte, (half of) gail's head, daphy, claudia, me, Olivia
inside the Carlsberg sky tower

pink flowers

(demonic)alyssa, jewel, elan, cara, megan,rebecca, shiqi and some charleen&annabelle.

Getting intimate with a war hero
paying respects to my grandfather
smoking atomic bombs
deep dark ladder thing

Thanks john
elan&cara
charlotte&cara (featuring belle in the background)
your grandfathers have oily foreheads
canons turn elan ON.

So yes, it was quite fun.

My friend gave me a hamster this week, but my mom wouldn't let me keep it and now i have to keep it in school, which is fine by me actually. I'm scared of it now because it bites me when i pick it up, which hurts me cos someone said that animals do not bite the hands that feed them?

Well Gerard dear, i feed you your faourite sunflower seeds and you BITE ME, don't i feed you enough honey?

Oh Gerard babe.

Camp is starting to take shape, a little late but better late than never.

Had fusion last night, it started of o-k but ended with a bang, GET UP AND DANCE, GET UP AND DANCE and we did, indeed. It was pretty great.

God, talk to me.

to me

2008-02-18T01:58:00.000-08:00

I want to tell myself that this is the very last chance I'm giving you. I don't trust you one bit.

School has been boring, uneventful and rather stressful. Nothing matters anymore, I've realised I can't post up things that have happened during the day and things like that cos it simply, doesn't matter. Nothing registers in my head anymore except emotions such as sadness, anger and occasionally, happiness. Emotions have just taken me over.

every single angry/sad song just seems to be the only thing speaking/relating to me right now. I know its made of cliches and 'act-emo' lyrics but it just speaks to me.

I don't understand anything right now, everything's just a mess and I'm never in a mood to study, its so sad.

anyway enough of complaints that no one wants to hear, I'll talk about camp. Camp is going okay i guess, but it's all quite messy and we started too late and we're running out of time, i think. Quite nervous about that. But i'm looking forward to it, maybe it will fill that emptiness, at least for a little while. Oh God, I need you so badly, please hear me..

immoral, immortal

2008-02-15T19:37:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[edit] My Immortal- Evanescence. [/edit]

We are made

2008-02-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

Its Valetines day, and I'm sick. Lung infection, tons of phlegm, slight fever, cold. Terrific.
Well it's been a lonely valentines day at home, but that holiday is meant for couples anyway. So I'll just treat it like an ordinary day.

I'm glad things are alright between us now.
happy valentines day my besties.

I've come to realise that the smallest things break my heart, I guess some hearts are not made to love and be loved the same way.

I'm tired of expecting, so tired. So tired.

love?

2008-02-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

I wrap up my conversations on msn. I use that awful organic green toothpaste on my braced teeth and stare at the orange&pink, hoping it wont fade. Hoping people would assume that the colours reflect my personality? I turn the air-con to 25 degrees, global warming in mind. (i normally sleep at 23-24.) I push my hair down before laying on my pillow, hoping my hair will not rebel against me in the morning.
Then comes the thinking.
Last night, the topic of the night was Love.
What is Love?
[EDIT] I was talking about the wordly love between couples. I know God is love, but that kind of perfect love can never be shared between humans. [/EDIT]

Is love the tingly feeling you get when you see her smiling at you? The speed at which your heart beats. The visual pleasure of seeing her smile, thinking 'is she smiling because she is happy to see me or is she just smiling cos i'm smiling at her first? did she know i was staring at her? Oh god.'

Is love the sleepless nights you spend thinking of how lovely it'll be to throw him onto a bed and make mad passionate love to him, kissing till your lips peel away and revealing your libido so strong, a thirst that will never be quenched, your body aching to be touched, heart beating in time with his as you squirm in pleasure?

Is love giving the last of your favourite candy to her even though you were saving it for later and knowing she won't appreciate your kind gesture? The feeling that you'd give her anything, even if no one knew, to make her proud of you. That you'd kill for her, you'd give up any organ to her if she needed a donation. That you'd do all this for her, even if you know she will never reciprocate.

Is love the burning, insane jealous feeling you get when you see a girl, any girl at all, talking to him, Touching his shoulder, laughing at everything he says, and him making no effort whatsoever to resist the temptation to do the same to her. Looking over at you, hoping you won't be jealous, or perhaps hoping you would be.

is it just this feeling, this unexplainable feeling that you have, thinking of her day and night, first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you disappear into that non-existent feeling of sleep.

Is it mutual use of each other, you give me what i need, i give you what you need and we're all happy.

Or is it.. all the above?

And how can we claim to love people when we ourselves don't know exactly what love is?
Please tell me what you think love is! I need/want to know.

happy-ness

2008-02-03T00:45:00.000-08:00

Oh happy day.
I was in church, settling in my plush red squeaky chair next to gerald, and suddenly abbie passed me a bouquet of roses, saying they're from John.
My face was :O like the little guy from the msn messenger. seriously. i was SHOCKED.
John.
John, you crazy, crazy, crazy fool. 20 red roses, he even suggested using a marker to colour them black (i've always had this secret fantasy to receive black roses.)
John, you CRAZY BITCH.
Thank you.

After church, the whole lot of us went to island creamery for our church camp committee meeting. Ryan (kind of) led the meeting, being the CAMP COMMANDANT. I helped out being the deputy camp commandant. Oh Ryan, so weak with his crutches and bent toe.
That being said, it was a very fruitful meeting and we decided on the camp theme:
DON'T CONFORM, BE TRANSFORMED.
yes people, do not conform.
I really really really can't wait for camp.
RYYYAANNN you lame, cripple shit.

I've realised how happy i am in church. how confident and smiley.
Why can't church replace school? we go to school almost every day and we learn things that apply to us for about 75 years until we die. In church, we learn things that we can apply for.. eternity.
Oh well.
Thanks everyone for being such awesome church friends.
I'm happy. I truly am.
what a nice ending to a long, horrible, meaningless, sad week.

I have found out why i'm so judgemental. I'M JEALOUS!
it hit me yesterday. I'm jealous that people can live with themself, with their shallow, fake lives, not caring what people think.
I'm jealous that they dont have so many emotions to get in the way (besides happiness), I'm jealous that i cant be that way.
I overthink and i'm the most emotional person i know.
So yes, I am jealous of all fake, shallow, ignorant people.
grahhh.

Anyway. I LOVE MY CHURCH FRIENDS.
FOREVER.

judge

2008-02-01T22:40:00.000-08:00

okay i'm on a mission: be less judgemental, cry less, gossip less
whenever a hint of a tear comes, I pinch myself with my sharp fingernails.
whenever a mean thought comes to my head, i try my best not to say it out loud.
whenever i'm tempted to add to gossip, i'll remember the times when people called me a -- and keep my mouth shut.

still dry.

she's not.

2008-02-01T02:26:00.000-08:00

Perhaps its time i started focusing more on the good than on the bad.

I can be way too judgemental, thats one of my biggest flaws. I'm a judgemental bastard, though i have no right to.

I haven't been happy lately, I've been thinking more and more. I've been reading other people's blogs thinking to myself 'how do these people manage to live such shallow, meaningless, fake lives.
'there you go again cara stop judging people look at yourself.'
Well perhaps its because they are insecure. they feign confidence cos people are naturally attracted to confident people. They're afraid of rejection, of not being accepted.

Hey, everyone's gotta go through that in life. in fact i feel that way a lot. yeahyeah, maybe i'm a hypocrite. Grr. Angry at myself.

I just found out recently that i cant stand bossy/controlling people. I really cant stand them. Well i learn something new about myself every day, so I cant say every single day is a wasted day i guess.

Alright if you've read until here, you've been very patient, dear reader. I tend to go on and on, I do. Found out something rather shocking this week, something that made me very happy and expectant but no it did not turn out the way i expected so i guess i'm disappointed. I guess being a pessimist, I should know better not to expect things so that when something greater than what i expected comes about, i'd be happier than if i expected it.

My emotions have been all over the place, my eyes puffier and puffier by the day.

Dry.

[EDIT] i've removed some content which may have been offensive from this post [/EDIT]

meant to live

2008-01-27T01:04:00.000-08:00

Who's going switchfoot? I really want to go.
Well my birthday was this week, it was pretty good i guess. school was okay, but i'm starting to not like school much. Had church today, it was really good. They had the 'everything' skit, i've seen in 4 times and I still cry. Go to Godtube.com and type in 'everything skit'. It's so meaningful, it really makes you think about what exactly you're doing with your life.

We live, we conform, we do things that seem cool, we try to look good, we try to be funny, we sin. We tell ourselves that we can overcome our addictions, that we can do so much more than we really can. And all for what?
All for man? All for a life that will last for, say, 78 years, and then we pass away and then what?
nothingness? reincarnation?
Heaven?

Can't fight the feeling of emptiness lately, Can't fight the overactive tear ducts. In class, in the toilet, in my bed, under the blanket, with my dog, at the computer, in the rain (Horrible setting to release hot tears i tell you.)
Temptation.
Giving in.
Resisting,
Giving in.

Telling myself it's okay. Telling myself it's not okay.
'Are you okay?'
'yeah just yawning. Haha.'

'are you okay?'
'YEAH JUST FINE DANDY I'M BEING RIPPED APART TO PIECES I'M BEING LOADED WITH MORE I CAN BEAR THE PAST IS REPEATING ITSELF I'M DOUBTING MY FAITH IN GOD I'M MOURNING FOR THE LOSS OF SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW OTHER THAN THAT I'M FINE.'

Are you empty?
Are you happy?
Aren't you tired, tired of being fake, pretending to be happy, laughing at things that are not funny, saying things to get a reaction, exaggerating stories so they'll sound interesting, doing all these things just to make people see you as someone you're not.

Aren't you tired?

wishlist

2008-01-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

wishlist:

new cellphone

new pencil case

new backpack schoolbag-black (crumplers are common, handbags are weird)

long hair

dance dance revolution mat (plug into tv kind)

black dress-casual (cara is becoming more ggrrly.)

basic white tee (NOT giordano.)

~~black/maroon ballerina flats~~ thank you mings!

denim skirt

denim shorts

black skirt

forever 21/ some random brand/ pullover hoodie

baseball cap

~~bday outing with besties (MUSTMUST)~~ i love you all.

Jagged Little Pill- Alanis Morissette's first album

"Fiberwig" mascara. available at watsons

I cant appreciate soft toys/common looking jewellery
okay yeah i'm an ass for posting up my wishlist on my blog

anyway this week has been uneventful. I'm so tired of teachers picking on me.

you know what i've noticed. that when you see a girl whom you know by name and have heard things about her and she knows you by name and you know she knows and she knows you know and you could be friends if it werent for the fact you've never been in her class before, you dont know whether to wave, smile or say hi.

so you just keep your gaze left and pretend you didnt see her when in fact in your mind you were all 'should i say hi or smile or something. but what if she doesn't catch my eye and i look like a fool waving at someone i hardly know and she thinks i'm a weirdo or if i wave at her and she doesn't wave back or i smile and she thinks i'm smiling at someone else.'

you know what i mean?

Or even worse, when you see her waving at you, and you're all 'okay.. i think i'll wave back.' so you do and then you realise she's waving at someone behind you.

D'OH. EMBARRASSING.

because of that rather embarrassing situation, you see someone else seem to wave at you but you think she's waving at someone behind you so you dont wave back and then she'll think you're a dao freak and she'll never wave to you again.

get what i mean?

or am i the only one who notices this kind of thing..

thank you silence

2008-01-08T02:36:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday Elan!
So, first week of school. well technically its the second, but whatever.
Our form teacher is Mrs Heng, whom smiles with her hands (peace sign) yes everyone was doing straight faces and 'smiling', it was really funny.
My desk partner is my dear Lots, which is cool. She is so hardworking, its really interesting. (i'm hoping it will inspire me to be more hardworking as well.)
I guess there are people in this class whom i want to get to know and get closer too, but there's always inhibition in me. Like thinking what people think of me, or how shallow mgs girls are.
Sometimes, after i get so high, i just think. I wont say what exactly i think, but lets just say they're all 'Why's.

And how i miss the crew, and i miss p6. just thinking about it makes me feel like i'd give so much to be in p6 again. I'd treasure every single moment of it. sitting next to all the fun people, writing comics about Mrs Fong's interesting Math methods (dog shit there!) and just laughing so much my stomach cramps up and i just choke on my own saliva.

Meeting the crew, being with the crew. I miss it all.
And i guess this year, i'm just looking for someone that can understand me. And someone that I can understand.
Oh i'm so tired of listening to sad songs, thinking sad thoughts, thinking angry thoughts, scared thoughts.
I'm so tired of this world i want to sleep for days and days and days and when i wake up it'll all be okay and i'll be younger and happy and carefree and ignorant. Oh its true, ignorance really is bliss.
I miss God.

the most honest one yet.

2008-01-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Just came back from cell, it was pretty damn good. ( we have our own sec3 cell now! )
Came back and was suddenly inspired to write poetry (cara-style, so you may not understand it at all. well as long as i understand it.)
happy new year to all, may you have a blessed year.
oh and happy birthday julian!

I'm so much more
than you give me credit for
I breathe, I eat, I sleep
I dream, I cry, I have secrets
Just like you (and you)
I have murderous thoughts
(I keep it in check)
I feel depressed when i hear of
animals being tortured
Humans? Not so much.
(We've brought it upon ourselves.)
Just like you (and you?)

I'm more
more than you give me credit for.
(sometimes) i gossip, I hand out fake smiles
I may try to be someone
I'm not.
Just like you, you, you, (and you)
oh please, don't deny.
I hate
shallow people
and yet I ignore
the person
throwing in 'extra' comments that nobody bothers to listen to
would it be different, if he (or she) was 'cute?'
If uGlY was beautiful
I'd be beautiful but
who determines what is beautiful
and what IsNt?

I'm ( a little bit?) more than you
give me credit for
I can't keep my mouth shut
(when i'm happy)
I feel responsible to
F
I
L
L awkward
s i l e n c e s...
......
I care about what you, you, you, you, (and even you)
think of me. Am I...
Too noisy? Too quiet?
Too FAT too average
Too fucking vulgar
Too kind too bimbotic too lame too emo too blur too deep too weird too stupid too..
self conscious?

I (think) i'm more
than i (think) you give me credit for.
I've met you a few times
(count it on one hand)
and already i wonder how your lips
would feel against mine (Too honest? what's this say about me?)
I love (J'adore?) the leader of
The Black Parade
I listen to him
every
single
day
(I don't get tired of your sweet voice, no, never)
And skip the songs that may be demonic
Oh, but
how I
adore you,
seksi beast

Why?! you ask.
Why not? i retort, perhaps to create a mysterious
air about me.
keep you coming back for more?

Oh so you think I'm that weirdo in a
(corner)
or the

centre of attention

of 'the short one'

or the ugly bimbo

or the girl you love having around but

am embarrassed to be seen with.

Oh I may be her,

And i may be so much more.

painted a lovely world

2007-12-30T19:11:00.000-08:00

Last night while i was lying down on my soft bed with that darned chinese book we were all supposed to read (but not many people i know have actually finished it, but who knows cos so many times i've come across people who claim not to do any work but first day of school and walla i'm the only one in trouble) dangling precariously at the edge of the bed while my arm tried in vain to support it and my mind screaming READ! READ! but i, managing to read the individual characters but not actually stringing them together and getting the full meaning, my eyelids half closing and the little 'devil on my shoulder' telling me 'put the book down, relax, you've got 2 more days to read it, its only a short novel nothing to worry about, put it downnnn..'

Well, i thought maybe i should do a new years resolutions list.
Yes, that is a cliche, and yes i end up actually doing about, oh i dont know, one or two of the many resolutions that i had supposedly resolved to do.
but i thought ah, just for the heck of it.
here it is:

1. Not neglect God, talk to him every day even when i'm doing something like sitting on the toilet bowl, at least keep him in my mind.

2. Read the bible more, not necessarily only at night because the bible always seems to slip off my hands when i'm lying down (the same thing with that chinese book.)

3. Put myself in people's shoes whenever i am extremely angry at them.

4. Stop keeping my emotions to myself and confront people about things that they do that upset me, without sounding like a bitch with a stick up my ass

5. Stop being so damn paranoid. That unshaven guy who just walked past me with that shady glasses isn't really gonna toss me into an abandoned alley and kick my brains out

6. Stop overthinking things!

7. Stop caring so much about what people think of me

8. Pay more attention to my Darling Doggy, comb him more often and play with him

9. Not be so pessimistic and doubting of everyone, thinking that they all have bad intentions

10. Pay more attention to those who've stuck by me, and show more love to my loved ones

Okay i think thats it for now.

fright'ning.

2007-12-19T17:44:00.000-08:00

yesterday, i went skiing.
my brother and my dad brought me up the gondola to the top of the mountain, and told us it was a beginners slope. i set off happily, smelling the wintery smell and letting snowflakes melt on my tongue. But i went down too fast. i screamed, (loudly) and my bro just screamed 'JUST SKI!GO!' so i did just that.
i came to a stop right before a very deep drop, and my stomach sank. it was my second time skiing in my whole life, and here i was at a very steep slope, wondering how the hell this could be a beginner's slope. ( i found out later it wasnt.)
i knew i couldn't walk back up, so i sat in the snow for what seemed like a half hour, waiting for my dad or bro to pass by, but i didnt see them. so i decided to go down the slope, since i knew i couldn't walk back up.
i went straight down, screaming my ass off all the way and screaming OH GOD OH MY GODDDDDD JESUSSSSSS then i fell down to my side on purpose. i couldn't go on that fast, my heart was in my mouth and i was almost flying. i sat there, in the middle of the steep slope, wondering what the hell to do. tears stung at my eyes but i resisted the urge to just sit there in the snow and have a good cry.I prayed. God, if you're there, please help me. Please help me, i'm all alone, i'm scared, i'm lost, i'm shivering. help me.
I tried skiing down again, screamed my head off and sat in the snow once again, seemingly awaiting the inevitable hypothermia, kidnapping, whatever that could happen.
I prayed again. then i heard a singaporean accent. i turned around and saw a man and his wife. I called for help, and the man came over. he helped me and taught me how to ski properly, snowplow and zigzag. he helped me up whenever i fell, and was next to me all the way until the end, where he took a ski lift up to the top of the mountain with me. We got to talking, turns out he had a sec2 daughter in mgs, whom i know. AND, he was in my church. i was like :O
God is really ahhhmazing.

I assured him i'll be okay, thanked him profusely and entered the lodge. it was heated, and i quietly thanked God i had lipbalm, $20 and the hotel key in my pocket. I lined up for a hot chocolate, planning my exit from the mountain back to the hotel room.
Then i saw my brother.
He spotted me first, ran to me, burst into tears and said OHMYGOD CARA THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE. and he hugged me very very tightly. He even felt my face and said 'are you real? are you sure you're real?' my face was all o.o
after a lot of hugging and 'thank god's, my dad brought us to a grill cafe and sat down.
turns out they had sent a search-and-rescue team to look for me. my father almost filled out a missing persons report. Everyone was looking for me. My brother thought i had skiied off a clidd (there was a cliff nearby) and was buried in the snow, awaiting death. he also thought i had been paralysed, broken every bone in my body, hit a tree, kidnapped,all the drama stuff.
my dad had been so scared he almost passed out.

What had happened was when i skiied ahead of them, they skiied down and came to the steep drop and said WTF how can we go down this. so they didnt. they tried to climb up but they couldn't, so they called a snowmobile to get them.

i sat in my warm seat spooning my salmon chowder, thanking God for his grace. I guess it just wasn't my time to die, or whatever.
God is gewdd. :)
I learned how much my family loves me, (esp my brother), i learned that God is working in my life, and i love my ski pants.

Today we went skiing with neil, amy and sean's family, (their father is the one that saved me). despite my phobia of steep slopes (thanks to yesterday's harrowing experience) i had a lot of fun skiiing. we're meeting up again tomorrow.
yay God.

Of The World

2007-12-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

Of The World
(By Cara)

Bombs, guns, tanks
Another war in iraq, we’ve heard
It all before, I scald my tongue over bitter, black coffee.
Paris, Britney, DUI charges
Heard it all before, but I put my cup
Down and let eyes hear.

How we all long to be
Rich and famous,
Did you hear, she put a bullet in her brain, overdose
But she’s rich and famous, all that matters
In what can be described as a ‘messed up world.’
Or so my teenage daughter says. Osama is lame, old news.
Nicole Richie is pregs, unmarried baby daddy,
Mommy have you heard? Its in.
Can I call you by your first name from now on?

Money talks, the pretty faces too
Unintelligent, but does it matter?
Young Children forced into posing for porn
They are beautiful, they are unintelligent.
They do not talk.

Actions speak louder
Than words
Speak your mind
Teenage sex, plenty
Of action there.
Less talk more foreplay.
Moan louder,
Baby if you love me like I love you,
You would.
Baby you know I cant be tied down to one girl.
I’ve gotta live, you know? Baby I knew you’d understand.
Oh baby, baby. The irony.

Now she’s doing nine to five at your local seven eleven
Night stripper, juggling 3 jobs trying to
Support her love child,
Or lust child, so it should be called.
Once aspired to be a yale law student.

It could have been you.
You cant choose what family you’re born into
‘why are you wasting food, you’re lucky
You have food on the table, did you know
There are kids starving in Africa!’
‘heard that one before mom, why don’t you go feed them then’
She tosses the food into the bin.

I have curves
I do not have perfect eyesight
I have the occasional birthmark
I do not have naturally straight teeth
I have brown Frizzy hair that unleashes the full force of its fury mostly on mondays
I have thin lips, a round face
Flat feet,
Am I beautiful?
Am I useable.
Can I be Of The World?

So bleach my hair
Strike me dumb
Shove your fingers down my throat
Breakfast, lunch, dinner’s out
My ribcage is showing
That’s hot.
‘My 8th boyfriend, he’s hotter than sin
Oh my god, you did it? We’ve only been to third base.’
books are for wieners.
Saddam who? Oh that dude with the moustache with the death
And stuff.

Lets wear black
lets sit in the corner
I have a penknife and I’m not afraid
To use it.
‘I cut myself to see how much I can bleed’ has just signed in using web messenger.

Fuck you mom, why can’t I have that car
Why cant she come into my room
Its not like we’re gonna do anything.
Fuck you dad, I hate you all
I hate the world, I’m all alone
In my pain and no one understands me
I’m the most miserable person on earth
My life is over.

In Sudan, another girl is raped.
She feels dirty, but she’s used to it.
she uses yesterday’s newspaper and drain water to bathe
The street Is her bed
Is she complaining like you?
She can’t have a car.
But she can have aids.
Is her life over?
Can she be Of The World?

cupcakes and such

2007-12-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday yesterday, i picked my mom up from the airport with my brother and father. She'd been gone from singapore for 1 week, and to be honest, i hardly even noticed it. Argh yeah say it, i'm a bad daughter..

Weirdly, i kind of missed the nagging at my eating habbits, complaining about the clothes i wear, forgetting to give me my allowance all the time, buying me clothes that I don't wear..

I don't know o.o

Oh and speaking of which, she bought me a snowflake tee from thailand, and a long sleeved polo t shirt.

....................

anyway, pictures!

The bouquet my father bought for my mom'a homecoming. Looks damn real right?

welcome home mom! (i love oversized adidas male jackets)

realistic fake flowers

wonky dad (some gay ahbeng in the background)

stoning fest!

posing with fake roses are in.

its starting to look a lot like xmas in changi airport

changi airport fountain.

Yesterday, Suzy and I were bored. So we decided to bake cupcakes.

We went grocery shopping in NTUC for ingredients, and then we proceeded to her house to bake the little drops of heaven..

some bald cupcakes, some with peanut butter frosting

chocolate frosting

Giant cake/donut that we baked
frosted cupcakes. (we later made green and pink frosting)

gave most of them away though.

yayy cupcakes.

churchies

2007-12-05T04:50:00.000-08:00

Went out with liling, john and ryan today. The original plan was to go to escape theme park, but thanks to the bloody weather, we were forced to stay in orchard, much to my dismay.

When we met in the MRT station, I got approached by a supposed modelling agency scout. She asked for my contact number, but i didnt give it. thank goodness. i had a strange feeling it was a scam. We walked around, willing the rain to stop.

Walked to heeren cos Liling and Ryan wanted converse shoes, so we sat in the converse shop for quite a long time while liling and ryan chose their shoes. Everyone was trying to cheer John up, and we kind of succeeded in making him smile, which was really really amusing. I walked into the next shop and discovered a really nice shop with cool designs on t shirts and bags, but it was like 40 bucks for a tee. D:

We bought tickets for an NC16 movie, 'the tattooist' or something. We got to the cinema, and saw a couple of tall guys in what appeared to be JC uniform, and they were asked to show ID. every single one. so we realised that we were screwed. The lady was strict as hell, its not fair la.

in the end we watched enchanted (my 2nd time). The girl is so damn bimbo okay. Patrick Dempsey is rather dashing.

Wore John's liverpool jacket for practically the whole day, fell in love with it.

Ryan, caught in an unaware moment. i had vowed to get all of them at unaware moments with y camera throughout the day.

John, unaware

husband and wife

churchies are sexy.

pervert smile!

photopics

2007-12-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

The little photos taken with charmaine's phone.

'kawaii.'
sun in our eyes
emoed
holding my lollipop

you give me strength to carry on.

2007-12-03T06:15:00.000-08:00

Just came back from camp, camp was awesome. really bonded with the sec2 class. I love you guys so much.

day1: found out our groups. had my doubts at first, but at least i had Charmaine with me. came to camp, saw that our bunks were completely fan-free, aircon-free and practically one with nature. heard many complaints from divas, girls and guys alike.
Had icebreakers, and i was really enthu and a tad high. I had to do a forfeit, which was to propose to prash on one knee and proclaim my 'love' to him. Everyone came and someone even filmed it on camera, and i got rejected, hehehe.

day2: spent the whole night tossing and turning, managed to sleep only 2 hours at most. Bloody aeroplanes kept flying overhead. everytime an aeroplane passed over the camp, i sat up and observed people's peculiar sleeping habits and heard a few strange sleeptalks and snoring. That was amusing, but i still couldn't sleep.
we had games in the afternoon, and we had to do things from sitting in a bath full of ice and water to using various body parts to dissolve a bar of soap as much as we could. that was really fun, especially getting dunked with icy water by the bored guys that just felt like irritating the girls. [:

day3: led worship in the morning with liling and charmaine. worship was so good, i felt like we weren't doing it for show and the spirit of worship was really there. Good job liling! had water bomb games in the afternoon.
Now the thing that really made this whole camp worthwhile was the worship at night. by the first song, i was already in tears. I realised how much I've neglected God. I realised how stupid i'd been. The world will never love me as much as God will, and i was foolish. By the 3rd song all of our hands were raised and i was almost sobbing already. later on, prayer time, the whole sec2 class was so united. everyone was just praying so much, laying hands on each other and just praying an unending chain of awesome prayers. I really felt God's presence. I cried so much, more than i've ever cried in the last few weeks. We played truth or dare that night, and i had to catwalk for everyone. westscott was so funny at the campfire. 'lets get physicalllll' priceless man.

day4: nth much. while waiting for the bus, we camwhored like CRAZY, and wrestled each other. i beat sean pong and tied with geraldsim.

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. FRIENDS FOREVER ALRIGHT?
i'll always remember all of you. Liling, Char, Ryan, John, Gerald, the list goes onnnnnn................... i love you all so much. really.
next year sec 1-3 camp, ryan is gonna be the commandant and i'm assistant commandant. ITS GONNA ROCK SO HARD.

Cruel to be kind

2007-11-24T00:47:00.000-08:00

So the 2008 class list is out, 3D'08 it is. Most of my friends are in that class, so i guess its really good. Charlotte's there too, (hello!) yes well. I think I know what to expect, but i don't know what's going to happen next year. Want to reinvent myself but i dont know how, so given up on that idea. I guess i should just go into class with lowered expectations and hope for the best.

Been listening to vintage grunge 80's songs, they're actually pretty good.

Been thinking a lot lately, what's new right. sleeping late nights thinking, sleeping pills give me VERY WEIRD dreams. Last last night i dreamt i was in a 'save the sharks' convention with many people i didn't know. last last last night i dream vanessa hudgens was my best friend (and that black girl from hsm), last night i dreamt of someone i dont ever want to dream about again.

I've been confused, i guess you could say i've been trying to find myself, like every other insecure, self centred teenager.

Been burying myself in huge stephen king novels and other large novels to keep me distracted.

Haven't been in the mood for talking lately.

I guess there's nothing to look forward to, And i've been feeling neglected and sometimes, unwanted. Usual teenage rantings.

I'm tired of trying to look happy and doing things just to please people and everything.

Its times like these when i feel like i need to be someone else.

Bought an album of The Killers B-sides, mcr DVD 'life on the murder scene' and the girls like boys abum, which i kinda regret. (I had a $50 gramophone voucher). They didn't have MCR's first album.
Do you ever wonder about your funeral. I think I've blogged about this before but really. How you will die, and especially people's reactions to news of your death.
'Will my p1 best friend come to my funeral? Will my best friend cry? Who will be the one delivering the speech about how i was while i was alive? Will people ever know the true me?Will people cry at my wedding, and if so, who? Will everyone I've ever loved be informed of my passing. Will that bitch secretly rejoice, or weep at the loss opportunities to be my friend? Will anyone cry so hard that she/he will tear open my coffin and shake my lifeless body, begging for this to be a nightmare, chastising me for dying so early.

Or will everyone simply.. be fake? pretend to care? Something that I'm sure they know I detest. And yet, on my funeral, 'Yes, she was such a nice girl. Of course I'm sad! Yeah I'm not crying but inside my heart, I'm weeping.'

Oh whatever. Stupidstupid. I hate thoughts like these.
Holding out for a hero.
Sometimes corny sappy lines actually do make sense

life has a funny way of sneaking up on you

2007-11-17T05:21:00.000-08:00

Who am i really?
No, really. I don't know. i try to so hard to please everyone, taking on different personalities sometimes. But who is the real 'cara'? If there is one. I'd like to know.
Anyway, yesterday i went out with Susannah. We had lunch at Pepper Lunch, and Susannah was obscenely angered when she told the lady specifically 'not to put any vegetables' and the lady put shitloads of corn on top of her rice. It was quite amusing watching her muttering curses under her breath while placing her corn onto her tray.

We went shopping for her prom stuff, and i ended up buying quite a lot of things myself. It was really fun. But our legs were aching so much. Today i went out with liling and angel to DARE (new creation church youth). Lunch at NYDC was fun, walking around was fun and just laughing at stupid things was fun too. These little things i miss, like real laughter.

Anyway, on a completely unrelated topic, don't you find it strange when you're online and so many people are online and you don't talk to them. Or perhaps you're just waiting for them to say hi to you first but when they don't, you feel strange and maybe sometimes, a little bit hurt. But you still hesitate to say hi to the person in fear that it would be awkward, like,

A: hey
B: helloo
A: so whats up? haven't talked in ages haha.
B: yeahhh. hols have been boring.
A: samee.
.................................

Wouldn't want that to happen, no sirree. filled with 'haha's when you're not even laughing in real life. Sometimes i feel weird. i dont know.

Anyway, I'd like to take this opportunity to shoutout to my 2D mates. this has been the worse year of my whole life, but when i think about it, I guess our class is fun. I just didnt take the time to enjoy it while it lasted because i was so negative and wallowing in self pity all the time.

Jewel, Gail, Megan, Daphne: It was really fun hanging out with you guys. Jewel, the twitness. It was fun getting high with you over things that no one else laughed about: (baby lie on me, i burn into ashes) among others. Good times. Gail, the nicenice caring one, always asking everyone if they were okay and all. Megan, getting high with you was fun too. and the group studying for EOYS with Grace (princess princess!) those were priceless. Daphne, the random bouts of pure randomness to change the mood. The mood swings. Goooooood times.

Olivia, Vanessa, Joan: You guys are the shiz. Olivia with your flirty wink, Vanessa with the way you'd always chime in after Oli, (oli: heyyyy carrie! Vanessa: yeahhhhhh heyyy carrie!) The way you guys called me 'Carrie' just cause i happened to look like some weirdo cheerleader (ahem) Joan with her need to help people all the time, and the random bursts of un-joan like behaviour. You guys are really fun, I'm so glad i met you.

Nicole: Even though i had some preconceptions about you, I'm glad it all worked out in the end. We talk about random things and our thoughts, its really good sharing these things with you. You're so fun and your one liners are really priceless, And i love your company.

Diane: I was so happy that there was someone in the class who actually understood what i was thinking. It was so encouraging to know that i wasn't the only one who had 'strange' thoughts floating around in my head all the time. Sure we've been through some tough times, but it worked out, and i'm really happy i have you as a friend. You also thought me that no one was perfect, no matter how much i wanted them to be. You have insane mood swings, have i ever told you that?

Grace: Thanks for sitting next to me and taking all my questions and weird doodles. Thanks for acting like a mother to me, and scolding me whenever i didnt pay attention or sighing whenever Jewel and I exchanged four letters a day. You've been a really good seatmate, and you've got a reallyyyy good head on your shoulders. down to earth, sensible, responsible but really funnily strange at the same time.

I don't think i've missed out anyone. All in all, 2007 has been a really EFFED UP year, but if you guys weren't in my class i think it wouldn't have been long before the men in white came to take me away from mgs in a straight jacket. Thanks for having me.
love you 2D [:

you're such a beach

2007-11-13T00:48:00.001-08:00

Kelsey, the naughtiest kid in my group. She was constantly the one leading everyone to pull on my arms and kiss my arms.
My little kids. (i'm giving an exasperated look)
2 of my kids. Notice how much i bend down to reach their height.
Apple Dippers, my new favourite Mcdonalds treat.

Our fearless leaders.
Potential Luge riders
Bench grafitti
Breakdancing. (nah, they were just dusting their feet.)
Shadow dancing, reflected from the shore waters.
lawrence armed with a stick
Crabby (which i later accidentally killed when someone dropped it, i stepped on it.) RIP.
Seaworm. We tried to make the crab eat it.
Lawrence armed with a stick 2
Sentosa swimmers

Overall, Sentosa was really really fun.

Love you guys. [:

matter?

2007-11-08T06:43:00.000-08:00

First, I'd like to say Happy Birthday Charlotte, (though its a bit late, sorry i hadn't posted in a few days.)my dear friend and fellow future art-student. The bitching about the opposite sex, the feminist agreements, the shopping for art supplies and the many mcflurries, I do love you lots, lots. Yes, we've had a few bumps in our friendship but then again, everything's a learning experience yeah?and i hope we're cool now.

also, tomorrow is Kathleen's birthday, and i'd like to say happy birthday kathleen. You've been a good friend to me, and i guess friends do quarrel sometimes, no one is perfect after all. Thanks for being my friend and putting up with all my bullshit.

I've been extremely hurt and disappointed these few days, I guess i should really stop especting so much from people. No one is perfect, and I've got flaws too. I guess I tend to magnify people's flaws, which depresses me. Every day is a learning experience, i guess.

I wish i could tell everyone who's hurt me these few days how they've hurt me and what they've done, but i would dig deeper the pit i've put myself in and that cannot be good for my mental health and general well being, especially since i won't be able to get out of that pit, seeing as there is no one there for me, to help me out anymore. Maybe I'm the cause of it, i don't know. Perhaps i drive people away.

Whatever it is, i've been distracting myself with books and telling myself to be numb, and ignore everything. Life on earth is temporary, and so is hurt and disappointment. Well, that's what i try to believe.

Okay, enough of negative thinking and useless ranting that no one understands, tomorrow i'm going to sentosa with my church friends, I do hope it will help lift my spirits.

go mama go

2007-10-31T04:40:00.000-07:00

I walked into my bathroom, anticipating a warm shower and singing practice when i felt something smack against my arm. I looked over and saw A FREAKING RAIN FLY (i dunno what its called, i call it rain fly cos it comes in when it rains?)WITH ONE OF ITS WINGS OFF ATTACHED TO MY SKIN and i almost screamed (but i didnt, cos i was alone and its weird to scream/laugh/talk when you're alone) I smacked it off (okay even now when i'm typing this, a rain fly just smacked against me and i flicked it, one wing is now on my keyboard)

And then i thought it was the last of it, and then i looked up and THERE WERE ABOUT 9 FLIES CIRCLING AROUND MY LIGHT HAVING A FREAKIN PARTY UP IN THERE. and i was the uninvited giant guest, invading their privacy (how ironic)

I stepped out in a towel, turned off the lights, hoping they'd go away once the 'bright glittery light' that intrigued them so much was off, but nooooo they didnt go away,

and then, i was lazy to change back so i stepped into the shower and the rain flies were coming in through the window and i was bravely armed with the shower head, spraying at any bug that dared to come near me. ( by the end of my quick shower, there were about 10 flies stuck to the wet tiles with their wings off)

It was horrible i tell you, those that have been reading my blog since last year, should know that this is not the first traumatic bathroom encounter with horrific bugs coming at me when i shower.

In other unrelated news, these few days i've been a group leader at a fellowship day camp in mgs, for p1-p4 girls. it does have its good moments, where the little girls would attach themselves onto my legs like velcro and pull my arms like tug of war, which kind of makes you feel like a celebrity (kind of. but not really) and there are the bad moments where i have to think up all the ideas for the skit and no one co operates when i tell them what to do and i start getting so exasperated i start tearing up. But its been not bad with these little girls, Its quite. cool.

my holidays are kind of blank, after this camp thing is over, i'll be having quite a few boring days. anyone care to join me in my boredom? (: I need to start making plans.

words dont come easily

2007-10-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

I went out with the crew yesterday, it was pretty unplanned and stuff but it was really good to see you guys, i've missed you so much.

It was also the last day of school, and we went for some tourism talk thing. I felt kinda sorry for the lady talking cos she was so enthusiastic and everyone was so un-enthu. it was quite mean of us. Anyway, after that, we proceeded to camwhore for quite a bit.

all of us: Daphy, Megan, Jewel, Cara, Gail

Sentosa Invaders

Kathdude

Homomoment

Went to the library today, did two sketches there.

Can't fight the feeling of emptiness lately, i'm tired of
not being in control and just for once i want to be what you think i am and
forget everything and everyone, dissolve in
my negativity.

Anyway, i'm not in a blogging mood now so, will blog a longer post some other time.

Art friend

2007-10-25T03:25:00.000-07:00

I went out to Art Friend with my Art Friend today, charlotte.
I bought high quality pencils, and a sketch pad. We had fun talking while grinning scarily (much to strangers's amusement) and as usual, we went to borders and browsed a book about Simpsons. I'm excited about taking art next year, but at the same time, I'm extremely worried about how 'at the bottom' i will be.

My freehand attempt at the female figure, using my new pencils and sketchbook. Its not very good, but don't judge me just yet, I will improve.

Been feeling confused and strange these few days, but don't ask why, i'm tired of pointing fingers when i know in the end it all comes down to me, me, me.
I'm just tired of people, tired of thinking, tired of trying so hard and i'm tired of expecting things and getting served an empty plate.
I still want to shut off the world, but you know i can't, I know I cant.

So stay sweetly numb.

Shut up.

I need God, i need aromatherapy, I need a worry-free and happy day.

Manners and such

2007-10-24T07:25:00.000-07:00

I went out with kathleen yesterday, we had a rather delightful time. We walked around, talked around, and read that makeover book (lots: remember that book?), marvelling at the average-turned-beautiful people. I do love you my little lemon meringue of a Kath.

Today, we had an etiquette and fine dining course, which was kind of corny, but really cool at the same time. The trainers were enthusiastic and made jokes that we laughed at, mostly to give them encouragement. We were allowed to come to school as 'young ladies', appropriate attire for formal lunch. Pictures coming up:

Dika in her funky 70s getup and Megan in her pastor outfit

We Grin.

This picture looks like those kind of movies where the people behind are blurry and moving.

Our formal lunch table setup

Immaculately curled butter, which caught my fancy.

Camwhoring at a formal lunch.

hungry people are rabid people.

first course- Cream of mushroom and bread with butter

Formal Lunch buddies

Our main course, Its chicken.

BEFORE: strawberry cheesecake

AFTER

It was quite fun really. The food was good, the company was good, heels were killer.

singing 'oh oh'

2007-10-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

Today was the subject optioning, and i had my mind set. i wanted full lit, half history, Bio and chem. And then my plans totally changed. Daphy and Gail convinced me that Geog was a lot easier than History, and that history was difficult and the textbook was 'this' thick *making space between thumb and forefiner* After much thinking and consideration, (as much as you can do within 5 mins) i chose to take full lit half history.

And then Mrs Low told me that my mom wanted me to take art instead of Amath, because well. To put it bluntly, my math sucks, even my mom knows that. Before you start laughing your ass off about me taking art, Lets just say it was the lesser of two evils. Just that art is not evil, math is. Okay so, Though my art is not up to the other girls taking art elective's standard, I feel i'll do better in art than in math, because A math is not something i'll be responding to well, seeing as how Emath has already got me in a fix. So there.

My mom is forcing me to remove my new piercing, but i'm not going to do it. People are just making me so sick nowadays, its frustrating. I want to ignore everyone and everything getting me down, I want to beat the system and fill myself with so much anger i'll never cry ever again.
But I can't, and when i say 'no one's gonna stop me', i don't mean it.
I'm going to start releasing the hate, and seeing the best in people. If I can.

Brainless.

2007-10-18T04:12:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Diane, thanks for understanding me (you're one of the few, very few) and talking it out with me in the toilet today. Really, just, thanks for being there.

I've realised a lot of people at our age are completely, utterly, stupidly brainless.
And its really starting to piss the shit out of me. Perhaps its only cos people don't see things from my point of view.
'you're stupid, you'll never make it, you've tried and you've failed.'
'You treat people the way you want to be treated, where the fuck has that got you? Do people return the favour? No. Stop thinking for others and start thinking for yourself.'

I want to stop, but i don't know how. I still hope. I expect.

'does anyone care about you at all? anyone?'

I went out with charlotte yesterday and today, and got another piercing, after much contemplation thanks for just simply being there.
Today was a sad day of salty tears, sore eyes and countless 'fuck's.
At least i wasn't alone in my turmoil, though i'm FUCKING TIRED of letting people take advantage of me. i'm just sick and tired, i wish i was like them. completely IGNORANT to people's feelings, completely IMMATURE, completely unfeeling and uncaring. I'm tired of stretching my lips to form 'smiles', I'm tired of

'Are you okay?'
'...no.'
'huh? oh. its okay..'
'okay. whatever you say.'

&

'Are you okay?'
'..yeah.'
'you sure?'
'..........yeah.'

I guess i can't blame anyone, At least they even bother to try to comfort me, that's gotta count for something. so thank you. But i'm just tired of responding 'yes, i'm okay, completely okay' when its completely evident on my tear stained face that i'm not okay.
But i guess i'd rather people ask 'are you okay' questions than to completely ignore me. I'm sorry for how angry and vulgar i get when i'm disappointed, and i'm sorry for taking it out on you guys.
I'm disappointed, SICK and TIRED.
sick and tired.

Just give up, just give up.

God, please help me.

wipe that smile off your face.

2007-10-16T00:03:00.000-07:00

'i like walking in the rain cos no one knows i'm crying.'
firstly, i'd like to kick the person who said that in the shin and put him out in the rain.

I just walked through quite a distance in the heavy rain, because i didn't bring an umbrella. I thought of that stupid phrase as i waited for a chance to jaywalk without getting smashed by a red car. There were quite a few people watching me, and they knew damn well i was crying.
Or maybe they were just watching me cos its not exactly every day you get to see an mgs girl soaked to the skin, blouse transcluscent, listening to an ipod waiting in the rain to jaywalk. I ran across the road when every one else thought it too dangerous to, because i was standing there, void of an umbrella, getting soaked and i was starting to get irritated.
The cold droplets hit me everywhere, and not a hair on my head was left untouched by the rain. It almost seemed as if each drop of water was telling me 'you're stupid cara. Only stupid people do as badly as you did.'

Today in school, we got back our results for a few subjects. I wont give you the details, but let's just say it was disappointing. I feel disappointed, demoralised and completely discouraged. Please don't ask me about it, unless you're asking for a good 'FUCK YOU' spat in your face.

I'm in dire need of cheering up. I just finished my 2 scoops of ben&jerry's, but somehow it's not working like it should today.

God help me.

I've got nostalgic pavements.

2007-10-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

Thank you Charlotte Sim for the beautiful skin with my beautiful Gerard on it. i do love it a lot. :D
as you can see, i changed my skin. My dear Lots made it for me. She is a genius, i tell you.
Are you jealous of Gerard? of course you are.
Links are extremely outdated, please tell me your link on my tagboard if you want me to relink/link you. Thank you.

I went out with nicole and diane today for lunch. we had sandwiches at cedele. The sandwiches were really good, but I don't think they were worth $14.80 of my hard-saved cash. D: but i enjoyed it anyway. Ham and cheese. with clam chowder. And ice tea which had no sugar, probing me to pour a pcket of sugar inside, much to Nicole's and Diane's amusement (?).
I've been going to Orchard every day for the past 6 days, starting to get tired of it already. Is vivo better?

My grandmother bought me Timbaland and Kate Nash album, which i like very much. Timbaland's album is alright, not completely my cup of tea. Kate Nash is awesome. She really is. Her voice is so british and unique. She's like Lilly Allen, but somehow i prefer Kate Nash. KATHLEEN does too, doesn't she? yeahhh. And Kate Nash's lyrics are so cute, and the tunes are so.. different. it's really hard for ordinary people like myself to sing.

Right birds can fly up so high and they can shit on your head
They can even fly into your eye and make you feel so scared
But when you look at them, and see that they're beautiful
Well, that's how i feel about you.

That's from one of my favourite songs from the album. Cute eh?

CCCKREW, can we pleaseplease arrange a date to go out. i really want to go you with you guys, i miss your company so much. You guys are awesome, i hope we never ever ever drift apart. Lovelove.

modelesque.

2007-10-13T03:16:00.000-07:00

Okay so i'll like to make this clear: i don't like being called short. Did i choose to be this height? No. Did i delibrately knock my head every day to keep myself at this height? No. So please stop calling me short like it's my fault i'm like this, cos its not. I went out to takashimaya with my cousin, Brenda today and caught a few fashion shows that were being showcased. It was interesting, seeing so many beautiful people in one place, and their height (at least 175 cm) does not make it any less intimidating. Pictures coming up:

i know this is unrelated, but i couldn't resist :D
cousin and i during the show.
Nerd Fashion

skinny bitches.

In a totally inrelated subject, Iwant to talk about sell-outs.

Don't know what's a sellout? a person who compromises his or her personal values, integrity, talent, or the like, for money or personal advancement. according to dictionary.com.

It saddens me to see people sell out, mostly stars. Sure, we live in a world where sex, drugs and booze are king, but it doesn't mean we all have to compromise our values and conform! 'everybody's doing it, i'm not doing anything wrong', hey whatever makes you feel better. it's still selling out. a few examples:

Example #1: nelly furtado.
Nelly Furtado, before sellout. Her old album's name was 'whoa, nelly!' a play on words on her own name. was it common? No. it was cute, it was funny, in a world where albums featured skinny girls in skimpy clothing with album names such as 'baby one more time' or some other suggestive stuff. She is wearing a light orange tank top, with her hair tightly pulled back and lying on the grass. She looks peaceful.
screencaps from one of her first singles, 'i'm like abird': she is wearing a red long sleeved shirt,hair tightly pulled back and hardly any accessories. she is wearing minimal makeup, and sure, she doesn't look that pretty but she looks relatively pure, honest. she looks non-conformist.

screencap #2: her smile! it is genuine! her teeth are not totally straight, her smile isn't airbrushed to perfection, but it is genuine! she is happy! she is watching birds fly away in ecstacy!

Nelly furtado, post-sellout: Her album's name is 'loose', implying she is a loose woman, or that she is loose of her goodgirl image. she looks pretty, and her hair looks awesome. I thought nothing much of the album, thinking that she had gotten a better stylist and applauded her wonderful makeover.
But alas! her first single was called promiscuous girl! promiscuous: horny slut with multiple sex partners. I am not implying she is one, but why! why nelly, why!! this screencap from her video shows her swaying her hips from side to side. she is wearing a midriff baring outfit, bra showing. Is this the same nelly from 'i'm like a bird'?
here she is, crotch thrusting in front of a guy suggestively. why nelly, why!! D:

example #2: Avril Lavigne.

screencap from 'complicated'. She was my idol when i was p4. She made girls wearing ties cool. i thought she was so cool, she sang about truth, she was awesome. she played the electric guitar, which in my p4 mind, was extremely, extremely cool. and she even had a gospel song on her album! what was there not to like?

excerpt from complicated:

I see the way you're Acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated

Life's like this, you

And you fall and you crawl

And you break and you take

What you get and you turn it into

Honestly Promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it

she was singing about how she doesn't like fake people. I ADORED this song, i tell you.

screencap from 'girlfriend'

Her hair is dyed blonde, and you can't see this, but she is crotch thrusting in front of a dude. WHY AVRIL, WHY?!!?

excerpt from 'girlfriend:

Hey hey, you you I don't like your girlfriend

No way, no way I think you need a new one

Hey hey, you you I could be your girlfriend

mindless lyrics! so avril's looking for a boyfriend, so avril doesn't like some chick's boyfriend, so?!

tsk. mindless. completely mindless!

avril once said she hated those blonde girls who traipsed around guys, luring them. she hated girls who danced suggestively, and called them bitches.

WHAT HAS SHE BECOME! WHY AVRIL, WHYYYY!!

however, this selling out of theirs has gained them more street cred. nelly furtado's album was #1 on the charts, and avril's mindless song was #1 on the top 40 charts. actually, i can't really blame them for selling out. it made them more famous, gave them more $$. perhaps they are trying something new too.

BUT it irks me to know that they were once non sellouts, but gave in to the ways of the world. WHY! WHY! WHYYYYY!!!

ok i think i'm getting too carried away. anyway, i'm not against trying new things, so dont hold what i say against me. i just don't like sellouts. Perhaps i am too harsh on them, just because they are celebrities. Okay now i'm putting myself on a spot and i feel silly. okay i know i'm not making much sense, so i'll shut up now.

i'm far too opinionated. :/

free hugs

2007-10-12T02:56:00.000-07:00

Just came back from orchard. Nothing much happened today, walked around a lot.
you know the 'free hugs' guy? the one that goes around with a big sign that says 'free hugs'? They have it in other countries. and today i saw him! he was this caucasian with curly light brown hair. he was cute haha. and from far away i shouted 'EH FREE HUGS GUY!' and i opened up my arms. and he saw me and he opened his arms and we ran across an open area like in those movies where to star crossed lovers finally reunite. it was really cool. and then he gave me a free hug. :D it was fun ! it was really warm. Gail got a free hug too. haha.

i think Singapore is way too conservative. Everyone else just walked on by, ignoring the guy with the free hugs sign, probably thinking 'wth?'
The world should be made of people offering free hugs. The world will be a warmer place. And i dont mean it in the global warming way, but yeah.

i feel tired, i don't feel like going for cell group. its just become so boring, and i don't look forward to it as much as i used to. And this Sunday, i may not go church because its games day and i don't take too well to captain's ball.

I need to go shopping for clothes soon, anyone wanna go shopping too? we could piss sales ladies off by trying on lots and lots of clothes without buying much.

hands bled.

2007-10-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

I am in a foul mood, thanks to the very person who gave me birth, yes i know i'm living under your roof, yes i know i owe you my life, but can you PLEASE not take your anger out on me, It weakens my resistance to scream at you and utter colourful words which do not paint pretty pictures.

I am in a foul mood, so i am going to rant. bear with me.
You know what i really hate? people who know me well should know.
Wannabes.
Yeah, i know i'm not one to talk. i guess there's a little wannabe in all of us, the desire to fit in, the desire to be well liked, respected. The crumpler bag trend is evidence of this. And its totally fine to have a crumpler, i like it and i have one too so.

WOW AWESOME my mom just interrupted my train of thought, saying that she wants to send me away to some family in China so that my chinese will improve and along with that, my attitude.
'maybe i should send you away to china. should i? maybe i should. yeah.'
'i am not going to answer you.'

she walked away glaring at me. if she sends me to china, i am going to come back as a lifeless girl, completely unaware of my surroundings and i am going to throw socks at her.

what was i saying? right. wannabes.
yes its okay to want to be something, its human nature and who am i to question human nature right? but i hate people who completely overdo it.
you know those kind. the ones that cut their hair short when the trend reaches escalation point. the ones who grow their fringe and push it to the side while carrying a metallic handbag way too fucking small for school. the ones who follow 'popular' people like dogs, hoping that one day they'd finally get their bite.
Its their choice what they wanna do, and i think its alright. as in, i think you can tell who the real wannabes are and the normal people who just want to try out new things, since everyone is doing it too.
i think trying out new things is completely fine. as long as you dont do it just because you want to be cool, or be someone that you're not.
face it, YOU'RE NOT HER. live with it, and make do with the best you have.
Don't try to emulate her, you only come across as a hopeless wannabe, and you'll never get to her level if you're trying to be like her.
i'm guessing the reason she's 'popular' is that she's relatively original. she has complete self confidence. she is secure, and happy with the way she is.
emulating her makes you the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of all these qualities.

argh am i not making this clear enough. yeahyeah 'why are you being such a bitch, cara?' i told you, i'm in a foul mood. don't read my blog if it offends you.
don't make me throw my sock at you.

for me to lay.

2007-10-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

I've decided to restart my blog, yes. Charlotte is currently in the process of creating one of her extremely wonderfulll blogskins for me, (thank you!) so for now, i'll just stick with this boring blogger template at the risk of people thinking i'm a dull person.

So exams are over, yeah, yay i know. but i don't feel the full force of happiness. i wanted to scream after the exam, but mrs *Koh ruined the moment by saying we weren't allowed to scream. guess she read it on my face :/

Exams were challenging, and i did study, much to some people's surprise. yes, i'll admit i studied, unlike a lot of other mgs girls who go
'OMG I DIDN'T STUDY! OMG! *flips through books*
2 weeks later
'OMG I GOT 82?! AND I DIDN'T EVEN STUDY! THIS IS SO COOL! WHAT DID YOU GET, CARA?'
yes okay. i'm sure everyone knows at least one person like that. it irritates me. almost as much as wannabes do. but i'll talk about that some other day.
So Megan and i are planning to go cross country rollerblading tomorrow, hope i make it back here in one piece. (red cars tend to swerve towards me.)

*teacher's names changed, maintain anonymity.

Paper walls.

2007-08-24T00:59:00.000-07:00

I decided to create a new blog, since sugarcoated-innocence was created in beginning of sec1 and i didn't know better. i can't bear to delete the blog though, because it has quite a lot of memories there and i'm a rather sentimental person. That's the problem with blogs, its like a diary but it can't be around forever like a diary can.

Anyway, this blog won't be as depressing as bleedmylove was, even reading that made me sad. i deleted that one. some memories are just not worth remembering.

I'm keeping this blog layout till I'm actually free enough to make a new one. I'm terrible at making blogskins though, maybe i'll just get a nice one from blogskins.com, something i'm incapable of creating.

This has been a boring post, cos i'm in a really boring mood and i feel really. bored.
More interesting blog posts to come, watch this space.